Impulse
It swells deep
within my stomach
Acids struggling
to digest it
Push it down my
Throat
So it never meets
My tongue
Or parts my lips
…I daydream of her
Wet dream of her
wet walls
Against my digits,
cheeks, and thigh…
And when this feeling
starts
They each begin to
tingle
(Subconsciously)
I’m tapping the digits of her phone number on my inner thigh
(I can) hear her
voice reverberate
Feel our images
Vibrate
Replay in the
whites of eye
I struggle
To fight the
impulse
Praying for it to
pass
I cry.
*****
I wrote this poem six years ago in the midst of an
experience that was just as complicated, uncomfortable, and emotionally taxing
as this poem suggests. I shudder every time I read it because I can still
remember sitting Indian style on the floor of the apartment I shared with my
girlfriend, crying my eyes out as I fought not to dial the numbers of a certain
young lady I had met only weeks before. The emotion was and still is intense.
So much so, that I have purposely never shared this poem with anyone other than
the lady who edited my upcoming poetry book. I guess the circumstances
surrounding the poem have always been somewhat embarrassing, and I never wanted
to have to explain it. But today, for some reason I feel different.
Today, I am able to look at this poem from the
perspective of compassion instead of judgment. Today, I am able to see that my tears
were not the result of my impulse per se, but the result of my emotional
inability to follow that impulse. (because I felt unnaturally guilty for an
emotion that felt…well…natural).
That unnatural guilt is the subject of this post.
Independently Beautiful
Its amazing to me how open minded most people are about some things and yet how
conversely close minded they are about others…especially romantic
relationships. In my book, I spent quite a bit of time discussing the powerful
attachment that is present in most romantic relationships, so I won’t belabor
that here. What I will say however, is that the attachment and subsequent
insecurity that come with most romantic relationships can often lead to a great
deal of shame and in most cases unnatural guilt. I will be the first to admit
that I completely understand the purpose of monogamy. I get that it’s
functional and I am currently in a monogamous relationship. But even in the
midst of that I am able to behold beauty almost everywhere I look. People are
such intricate enigmas that something in me longs to unravel, figure out, and
crack. I am so curious about what makes people tick, their stories, their hopes
and dreams and so on. My curiosity often manifests itself as a very real
attraction and for that attraction; I have spent more guilt-ridden sleepless
nights than I care to admit. The whole thing makes me incredibly uncomfortable
because I am firm believer that people can be “independently beautiful.”
Meaning one person’s beauty does not compromise the beauty of another. And
while I think most people can intellectually understand this, within the
confines of our romantic relationship something gets lost, and this pervasive
need to have the full undivided attention of your partner grows to the size of
earth’s atmosphere. People get selfish, possessive and in my opinion
unreasonable.
Now, I am sure some will say that just because you are
attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you should act on it….and I tend to
agree. But I also think that the very nature of attraction is a desire to
connect (not necessarily sexually…but to connect nonetheless). Why then, do we subject ourselves to the mental
and emotional turmoil of trying to fight so much of what comes natural to us?
The simple answer is because we don’t want to hurt our partners, but the truth
has more to do with (you guessed it) attachment and security.
Foiling the Fairy tale
I can’t speak for men, but most of the women I know want
nothing more than to settle down, get married and have children. Most have
wanted that since they were old enough to conceptualize the idea of “happily
ever after.” The knight in shining armor was presented as a metaphorical savior
to them and because of that, most women have spent their whole lives trying to
recreate that fairy tale As a result landing a spouse has become not only a social
symbol of success but also the ultimate promise of physical and emotional
security. Women want to feel chosen, loved, and safe. But just like every other
social contract…in order to receive safety one must surrender some freedoms.
For some that loss of freedom is unbearable and they just choose not to commit
at all. For others it means making the commitment and breaking it by
cheating. I tend to favor a more
realistic approach, one that allows for one to love and be committed to someONE
but also makes room for the appreciation of the independent beauty of others.
My position has
often been unpopular but having been on both sides of the “cheating” coin, I
know firsthand that when one person beholds beauty in another is has absolutely
nothing to do with anyone but the two people involved. It is not a reflection
on the role, beauty, commitment or person of the partner. People don’t like to hear that...but it’s
true. In my opinion it’s an immature mistake to think that another person’s
world revolves around you…at the end of the day, everyone’s world revolves
around them. And more often than not, people are going to do what makes them
happy, even if that means they have to lie, cheat and deceive you to do it. Call
me crazy, but there are things more important to me than physical fidelity. I
want to be a part of my partner’s life forever and I would much rather be a
cooperative component to her happiness than the reason for her guilt.
